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jokes
Jul 30, 2003 22:05:04 GMT -5
Post by stagetec on Jul 30, 2003 22:05:04 GMT -5
A stockbroker on his way home from worn in NY city,came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself,Wow,this traffic seems worse then usual.He notices a police offcer walking back and forth between lines of cars so he rolls down his window and ask the officer whats the hold up. The officer replies,Hillary Clinton is just so drpressed about New Yorkers making her the butt of so many jokes,she stoped her motorcade in the middle of the freeway,and she's threatehing to douse herself in gasoline and set her self on fire.She says her husband is running around on her more then ever,the democrats tolder to forget about the presidency in 2004.So we're taking up a collection for her The broker ask "Oh Really? How much have you goten so far? The officer replies "About 14 gallons, but most fokes are still siphoning.
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jokes
Aug 1, 2003 11:00:24 GMT -5
Post by DOGHUNTER on Aug 1, 2003 11:00:24 GMT -5
;D WHAT DO YOU CALL THE WINNER OF THE ANNUAL CARPET RACE. DOG. WHAT DO YOU CALL THE WINNER OF THE SEMI ANNUAL LEGHUMP COMPITION. DOG HOW DO YOU TRICK THE DOG INTO SEEING THE VET. TELL HIM YOU GOING TO THE PARK. ;D
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jokes
Aug 1, 2003 12:47:35 GMT -5
Post by stagetec on Aug 1, 2003 12:47:35 GMT -5
Top ten things that sound dirty in law but are't 10 Have you looked through her briefs 9 he is on hard judge. 8 counselor lets do it in chambers. 7her attorney withdrew at the last minute 6 is it a penal offence 5better leave the handcuffs on 4for 200 an hr she better be good 3can you get him to drop his suit 2the judge gave her the stiffest one he could 1think you can get me off
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jokes
Aug 1, 2003 14:29:30 GMT -5
Post by DOGHUNTER on Aug 1, 2003 14:29:30 GMT -5
;D GOOD ONE.
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jokes
Aug 3, 2003 14:27:03 GMT -5
Post by Sherry on Aug 3, 2003 14:27:03 GMT -5
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jokes
Aug 3, 2003 14:32:59 GMT -5
Post by Sherry on Aug 3, 2003 14:32:59 GMT -5
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Aug 3, 2003 14:57:54 GMT -5
Post by Sherry on Aug 3, 2003 14:57:54 GMT -5
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years." St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
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jokes
Aug 3, 2003 14:59:28 GMT -5
Post by Sherry on Aug 3, 2003 14:59:28 GMT -5
funhouse.spitthedog.com/cartoons/200307/dogchat.gif[/img] >>>> Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. >>>> >>>> The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are >>>> welcome >> here >>>> as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do > so". >>>> >>>> Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for >>>> 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you >>>> have >>>> been >>>> here for 5 years. You can speak two words." >>>> >>>> Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." >>>> >>>> "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better >> bed." >>>> >>>> After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the >>>> Priest. >> "You >>>> may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine. >>>> >>>> "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her > that >>>> the >>>> food would be better in the future. >>>> >>>> On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called > Sister >>>> Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today." >>>> >>>> "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. >>>> >>>> "It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but >>>> bitch >> since >>>> you got here >>> >>>
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jokes
Aug 3, 2003 15:24:07 GMT -5
Post by Sherry on Aug 3, 2003 15:24:07 GMT -5
Hamster Horror
Overview: I had to take my son's Hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two Hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best Hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)
"Honey," I called, "come look at the Hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" My son demanded.
"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" My son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!" They shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little Hamster babies?" My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" My son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" My eldest daughter wanted to know," Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in hislap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think Hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" My wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.
"This Hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen Ernie is a boy."
"What?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um .... er ... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just ... just ... excited?"! My wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly!
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just ... that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its teeny little ..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the Hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.
Enough said.
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Yak
Junior Member
Posts: 88
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jokes
Aug 4, 2003 10:16:38 GMT -5
Post by Yak on Aug 4, 2003 10:16:38 GMT -5
sherry......was that your sons hampster or "gerbil"??
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jokes
Aug 4, 2003 12:24:35 GMT -5
Post by Sherry on Aug 4, 2003 12:24:35 GMT -5
No, I have an orphaned hamster, but it's a female. I'm glad of that since I found out the males actually do that. LOL
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jokes
Aug 4, 2003 13:16:40 GMT -5
Post by ----- on Aug 4, 2003 13:16:40 GMT -5
That's ummm, that's....ummmm, am I going to be pictureing that all day now? poor little guy....ugggg
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jokes
Aug 4, 2003 20:34:58 GMT -5
Post by stagetec on Aug 4, 2003 20:34:58 GMT -5
sherry LOL good one
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jokes
Aug 4, 2003 20:50:14 GMT -5
Post by stagetec on Aug 4, 2003 20:50:14 GMT -5
A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."
UPDATE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and should make a full recovery.
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jokes
Aug 8, 2003 21:25:23 GMT -5
Post by stagetec on Aug 8, 2003 21:25:23 GMT -5
now is this true? In what is clearly the best headline of the year, some Jack Ass is suing Jackass over "Jackass". No, really.
A Montana man who legally changed his name to "Jack Ass" in 1997 has sued media giant Viacom Inc., claiming its stunt-heavy, gross-out TV show and movie "Jackass" had defamed his character.
The suit asks for damages of $10 million or more. Jack Ass is representing himself.
This sounds like a skit out of the next Naked Gun movie.
Setting: A courtroom.
Viacom lawyer: His whiskers twitching. This jackass here...
Jack Ass: I object!
Judge: Sustained.
Viacom lawyer: Pointy snout quivering. Your Honor, his name is 'Jack Ass'. Therefore it's only proper that I refer to him by his full name during court proceedings. He is clearly a jackass, after all. It says so on his driver's license.
Jack Ass: (trying to break in) "Your honor!"
Viacom lawyer: Shut up jackass, I'm talking.
Jack Ass: I object!
Judge: Overruled.
And so on. It practically writes itself! Which is a good thing, since I'm certainly not writing anymore of it.
All joking aside (for the moment) it's clearly a ridiculous and frivolous suit. Jack Ass has nothing to do with Jackass, and there's clearly no intent to capitalize on his fame/insanity with it. The term "Jackass" is in common usage, and that's obviously what the Mtv show was named to capitalize on.
Yep, it's always some Jack Ass with a pointless lawsuit tying up the courts.
And as they say, anyone who represents themselves in court has a jackass for a client.
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